Thursday, March 22, 2007

Behold: Battlestar post!

Behold: Battlestar post!

The Kara Thrace Memorial List Of Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica:

A Sample:
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I," as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
* If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
* Especially Captain Thrace.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
* Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol' One-Eyes."
* Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama's "heterosexual man-spouse."
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to "do me a quick favor."
45. I have not accepted Gaius Baltar as my personal savior.
*Neither has anyone else.
72. Not allowed to perform arcane rituals using nuggets as human sacrifices.
* Not allowed, when informed of this, to say "of course not, that's the Admiral's job."
76. Waking Captain Thrace up in the morning is not "disturbing an ancient evil that knows no pity or remorse."
95. Nuggets may be flammable, but that is a fact, and not an invitation.
96. Not allowed to trade nuggets for food.
*Or cigarettes.
*Or liquor.
*Alright, maybe liquor.
97. Not allowed to teach Hera Agathon to say "frak", "motherfrakker", or "cocksucker"
*Nicholas Tyrol, however, is fair game.
142. Not allowed to tell nuggets that Col. Tigh made his eyepatch out of his dead wife's undergarments.
*Because it's not true.
*We hope.
138. I am not Captain Thrace's "Special Destiny".
* Nor Gaius Baltar's
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is "Poptart."
166. Only Capt. Agathon is permitted to play Find the Reset Button with Lt. Agathon.
* If she had one, which she doesn't.
* No matter what Chief Tyrol claims.
185. It is not funny when I hum "Billy don't be a hero." to Lt. Dualla and I need to stop.
*Even when Lee laughs.
197. Nuggets and crash test dummies are not "basically the same thing."
214. Not allowed to punctuate Starbuck's and Anders' makeout sessions in the rack by yelling "GOOOOOOOOAL!" in the manner of famous Caprican Pyramid announcer Isosceles Hernandez.
*Not even if Capt. Thrace did it first.
243. I am allowed eight days off per year for religious observances.
* "Oh gods, oh gods, we're all gonna die" is not a religious observance.
263. Major Adama does not frak hookers.
* Any more.
275. I am not allowed to refer to Agathon fornication as "uploading".
279. Not allowed to order Nuggets to "get" "nugs"
* Should not exclaim "You should KNOW where the nugs are!" when someone else has played this on a Nugget.
289. The Pegasus has not returned to haunt the Fleet as a ghost ship.
304. I am not allowed to suggest fiber supplements in response to Admiral Adama's glare.
314. If one more nugget shows up on Colonial One with "Love Slave" written across his or her chest in bright red lipstick, Tory Foster has permission to hurt me.
* But not with the President's whip, which does not exist.
316. Not allowed to practice my maniacal laughter over the comms.
*I know damn well what constitutes "maniacal laughter".
343. Not allowed to start random slow claps.
*Yes, that is the Admiral's job.
351. “But he won’t hurt anyone, he has a SOUL now!” will not stop President Roslin from airlocking a Toaster.
*Suggesting that Hera’s blood may yet turn the President into “Roslin, the Cylon Slayer” will not score me any points.
355.Popping a few chicken nuggets inside my mum’s old silver toaster is not an acceptable visual aide during a “Here’s our plan” briefing for the new recruits.
356. Not allowed to hand the Agathons a bottle of WD-40 with the admonition: "You two kids go have yourselves some fun, now."
364. No longer allowed to record appointments between the Admiral and the President as “Senior Sexcapades” in the official logbook
382. Not allowed to mix in pink civvies with Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle.
*Not allowed to ponder other meanings of "Lt. Agathon's delicates cycle."
*Especially not out loud.
385. "Stop me before I kill again" is not a valid excuse for sick leave.
*And really not funny to say in front of the civilians.
389. The fact that whenever Dr. Baltar says "cruel and unusual punishment" lately he is usually referring directly to me is not something to be proud of.
394. A group of nuggets is not called a Happy Meal.
* Nor does it come with fries and a drink.
395. The chain of command is not organized by hotness.
* I am allowed to start this practice.
404. No, we are not there yet.
* I will not ask again
406. Not allowed to stage a reenactment of "The Little Boy Who Cried Cylon", for reasons that should be obvious even to me.
413. I am not allowed to call Maj. Adama's bullet wound a 'little love bite'.
419. I should not follow the Admiral and the President around reading Klingon love poetry. “Gook! Kplagh!”
428. Not allowed to tell Capt. Agathon that he's the moral compass of the fleet
* and then look at Lt. Agathon and say, "Oh, so that's North."
438. Not allowed to play connect the dots on the DRADIS.
*Especially if we're under attack.
458. I will not send Leoben love letters and write Lieutenant Thrace's name on them.
459. The Number Three models are not warrior anythings.
471. Not allowed to burst through the door yelling, "No one expects the Cylon Inquisition!"
*Baltar doesn't find it funny
479. I am no longer to explain my irrational behavior with references to a mystical podcast.
*I am no longer to insist that the President precedes any prophesies she receives from the gods by making air quotes and stating “spoiler.”
498. Not allowed to give the nuggets nicknames like, "BBQ", "Honey Mustard", or "No Trans Fats".
511. Although it was a thoughtful gift idea, President Roslin does not need a remote control for the airlock.
514. There is no such thing as "Colonial Scout Cookies," and I may not send nuggets hatch-to-hatch selling them.
521. I am not allowed to invite pilots to play "Raptors vs. Vipers" in a game of "Space-Pong"
537. I will not suggest abandoning the quest for Earth, especially on the grounds of "let's not go to Earth. It's a silly place."
544. Trying to run computer games off of Cylon prisoners is not allowed.
*Trying to run computer games off of Cylon crewmembers is definitely not allowed.
*Trying to run computer games off of half-Cylon babies is extremely not allowed.
563. I am not allowed to send the nuggets on a Snipe Hunt.
570. Not allowed to ask Col. Tigh "where's the rum gone?" anymore.
592. The Battlestar Galactica is not a 'ride', and does not need to be 'pimped'.
596. I am no longer allowed to serve hardboiled eggs at breakfast
*Shrieking “my gods, my gods, I found it!” as I placed the Colonel’s breakfast in front of him was also cruel and not remotely funny.
626. I will not ask Maj. Adama if he’s wearing space pants.
*even if his ass is out of this world.
644. I am not allowed to talk to Captain Thrace, as she will likely give me ideas.
654. I may not reprogram Galactica computers to only respond to the name “HAL.”
715. I may not re-name Hotdog's ship "The Wienermobile"
741. I am not to paint the worlds "Bad Wolf" on the walls.
*I am not allowed to make my own callsign Bad Wolf and then claim that I created myself.

Okay okay, I see its getting old, follow the linkey-link if you must have the complete list. Chow.

No comments:

Post a Comment