On Fat

First, the video by Joy Nash


So this a picture of me, 5 years ago:


I know that at the moment this picture was taken, I felt like a cow. I look back now, and I see that, wow, I was kinda cute. But I still crop my lower body out of this picture, because I still look at it and feel as awkward as I did the moment it was taken. That is a shame, because the pond scenery is sooo beautiful. The bigger shame is that I had to feel so awkward in such a lovely photograph, just because my clothes didn't fit me right.

I. Looked. Great.

But I was so overjoyed at finally FINALLY being able to get into and zip up a size 10 pair of shorts, that I didn't realize that it didn't mean that those pants FIT ME. With the unfortunate shirt, I was stuck on the idea that I was a size Medium, forever an always, up top. I was so terrified, mortified, at ever even trying on a size Large *gasp, horror* that I actually put up with an entire wardrobe (term used loosely) of shirts that stretched tight over my round belly.

I was the most physically fit of my entire life. Back then I weighed 141 pounds, overweight by Air Force standards for my height. Lets keep in mind that at this point I had zero social life and spent 1-2 hours PER NIGHT at the gym, in addition to my unit's thrice-weekly mandatory mile run and calisthenics, and I ate a cobb salad for lunch and dinner every day. I could do 65 situps in 60 seconds, but I still had the round tummy, and I always will. FACT.

Here's me last month:

When I posted this picture to Facebook, I cropped it to not show my arms, and squeezed the image a little. Yup. I still can't stand the sight of myself in the camera's lens.

Now, I don't bother weighing myself anymore. I am done hating myself because of that number. Maybe it is around 165, I dunno. I wear a size 12/14 pant, and Large/XL shirts. I can't shop at most stores in the mall because they have shitty selection that high, and I get asked "why are you here, skinny?" at Lane Bryant.

I have biked 100 miles in about 5 total weeks. I do yoga or an abs workout 4 times a week. I have found healthy, simple foods that I enjoy, and I refuse to eat something "healthy" that I do not absolutely love.

Today I made pound cake, and I will delight in every brandy-infused bite for the next week.