Isn't this just wonderful? I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow at 8am, and I forgot to get the draft off the school computer. I am a moron. There are two tests tomorrow, one of which I am completely unprepared for. Completely.
Is it the last week of November already? Time to step back? Time to take stock of the things I am thankful for? Time to work off the 3 cups of coffee I've had tonight so I can wake up at 5am to type a paper? Yes.
A year ago I took a step in the right direction. It was painful, and frightening, and I failed. A year ago this week, I gave in to the fear and returned to a bad marriage. So I am thankful that this year I found the strength to do what was ultimately best for me. I knew it would pay off in the long term, but what I did not realize at the time was how good it was for me in the short term. Money might not be the root of all evil, but it is the fear of not having it that ties us to things and people who do us no good.
My first Thankful leads to my second. I allowed myself to be fooled into believing that permanent unity with one person would make me happy. Instead, I was shoved into a lonely little corner. Today, I am thankful for my friends: old and new, near and far. You keep me connected to the world. You keep me laughing. You don't keep me sane (I don't expect the impossible), but its hard to tell when I'm surrounded by such a wacky bunch of people.
Finally, as much as this semester has stressed me out, burnt me out, and turned me inside-out, I value the privilege which allows me to pursue higher education. I am thankful that I have the ability and the means to study physics. I have to keep reminding myself, in the thick of homework and papers and marathon study weekends blurring together, that I am doing this because I want to. I am living a long-held dream come true.
Which, occasionally, twists into a rather inconvenient nightmare....
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Stress Much?
I just got out of Calculus. I'm pretty sure the professor took our brains out and beat them with a baseball bat and then returned them to our heads. At least that's how I remember things.
Registration for the Spring is opening up soon. Holy crap, soon. I feel like this semester is going so fast, like I'm on a treadmill going 7 miles an hour and just trying not to fall off.
Hope is still there, but I keep feeling like everything has double meaning, everything is a hint and I'm reading it wrong out of desperation. I'm tempted to delete that, but I need to say it. Damn.
I'm still not sleeping well because I keep waking up from weird dreams, but none I can remember from last night. Also, my hand hurts from hitting the wall very hard because yesterday I was awakened by Mr. Thinks He Lives In A Karaoke Bar, at 6am. SIX IN THE DAMN MORNING, PEOPLE! I've decided he isn't human.
Registration for the Spring is opening up soon. Holy crap, soon. I feel like this semester is going so fast, like I'm on a treadmill going 7 miles an hour and just trying not to fall off.
Hope is still there, but I keep feeling like everything has double meaning, everything is a hint and I'm reading it wrong out of desperation. I'm tempted to delete that, but I need to say it. Damn.
I'm still not sleeping well because I keep waking up from weird dreams, but none I can remember from last night. Also, my hand hurts from hitting the wall very hard because yesterday I was awakened by Mr. Thinks He Lives In A Karaoke Bar, at 6am. SIX IN THE DAMN MORNING, PEOPLE! I've decided he isn't human.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Dreams
Here's a synopsis of my last few nights of weird-ass dreams. Its strange that I remember them, but I feel like I have weird dreams all the time.
_________________________________________
Tornadoes, not an uncommon theme, but I'm not mad at my Mom, so what gives? Anyway, I'm in the dream version of the Emporia dorms we used to stay in. I saw a tornado rip through a building across the street and run through the halls to find Duane, who doesn't give a shit. First he doesn't believe me, then I tell him It. Was. Right. There! and he says well then it was across the street and we don't have to worry about it.
At some later point I'm here at ASU, walking across the parking lot at night, when I see a bright object in the sky. I realize its Saturn, but way too large and bright to be real. Then Saturn zooms across the night sky over my head.
_________________________________________
I'm in a cabin, during some training exercise. There are a couple of guys, me, and the woman whose in charge. All the sudden we are overrun by a team of people with nicer weapons than us, not part of the exercise. They shoot the guys, snap the other woman's neck and find me inside the cabin. The woman in charge of the newcomers pats me on the shoulder and says that I had better make it seem like an accident. I go all freaked out and throw a couple bodies off the balcony until I realize that's pretty shitty. An officer passes by in a vehicle and I flag her down and tell her the whole freaky story, and I'm all paranoid because I think the bad guys put a tracker or something on me when they patted by shoulder.
_________________________________________
(same night as previous one)
I'm there for the first meeting with aliens. At first everyone is happy. Then I'm with a group hiding underground somewhere but I'm contacted by the aliens and invited to go with them. I hug my mom and others and pack up my stuff to go, making sure to bring my homework (I'm a total loser, yes) and its about that time we realize they are out to take what they want and destroy the rest. Guiltily, I still go with the aliens. On the way out, though, I hear noise from below in our hideout. I pound on the floor a few times...and Chief Tyrol peeks out of a drain in the street. I tell him they better shut the hell up and maybe someone will live. (I'm officially a complete losergeek for that last, and I'm okay with that).
There was some stuff with dragons and fire, but I'm not sure how it fits.
As the aliens are packing up my stuff, I ask them how much of it I will ever see again. They say take a good look now, because never. I talk with them about how horrible it will be to be the only human left. One girl says its no big deal, asks another where she's from and says "Never heard of it." She says to me "See, you won't stick out, nobody notices" Of course they all look human and I realize they all are from planets that were destroyed by the evil aliens and took the same opportunity I did.
As we fly away, there's weirdness with liquor accidentally falling out of the cargo hold, so its in orbit. And then something vague that I'm sure is from last week's episode of Atlantis.
So they leave me in the cargo hold with all the Earth stuff they collected. There's a tv, and I begin flipping through channels that I guess they are piping through to me. I watch how shallow US television dealt with the situation as it unraveled. The signal gives out/is cut before I can see things get really bad. I demand to see the actual destruction, but it looks like a bad movie clip of exploding Earth. I insist that its fake. I hold out hope that the planet wasn't totally destroyed, that some may have survived.
_________________________________________
I'm repairing some light/vent thing, with someone supposed to be helping me. She insists that I have to hold this thing for an hour or else it will break. I'm stuck there holding it while she wanders off. This pisses me off much. Next part is vague.
Then I'm in some sort of meeting place with hunters and other people. I can't remember the purpose but there was one. I'm sitting on a wood floor across from my Mom when some newcomers arrive and pick up a deck of cards. Mom gets pissed, takes the cards, and says they have to earn the right to use them. She invites me to play a game of rummy, but its some weird version that I don't remember playing. She says I played the game as a team with her once and we kicked ass. For some reason she says this is how people used to decide who pays the rent this month. For some reason all the players have to kiss at the beginning of each round. Something about Mom likes kissing guys with nice teeth.
My dreams are very strange, yes?
_________________________________________
Tornadoes, not an uncommon theme, but I'm not mad at my Mom, so what gives? Anyway, I'm in the dream version of the Emporia dorms we used to stay in. I saw a tornado rip through a building across the street and run through the halls to find Duane, who doesn't give a shit. First he doesn't believe me, then I tell him It. Was. Right. There! and he says well then it was across the street and we don't have to worry about it.
At some later point I'm here at ASU, walking across the parking lot at night, when I see a bright object in the sky. I realize its Saturn, but way too large and bright to be real. Then Saturn zooms across the night sky over my head.
_________________________________________
I'm in a cabin, during some training exercise. There are a couple of guys, me, and the woman whose in charge. All the sudden we are overrun by a team of people with nicer weapons than us, not part of the exercise. They shoot the guys, snap the other woman's neck and find me inside the cabin. The woman in charge of the newcomers pats me on the shoulder and says that I had better make it seem like an accident. I go all freaked out and throw a couple bodies off the balcony until I realize that's pretty shitty. An officer passes by in a vehicle and I flag her down and tell her the whole freaky story, and I'm all paranoid because I think the bad guys put a tracker or something on me when they patted by shoulder.
_________________________________________
(same night as previous one)
I'm there for the first meeting with aliens. At first everyone is happy. Then I'm with a group hiding underground somewhere but I'm contacted by the aliens and invited to go with them. I hug my mom and others and pack up my stuff to go, making sure to bring my homework (I'm a total loser, yes) and its about that time we realize they are out to take what they want and destroy the rest. Guiltily, I still go with the aliens. On the way out, though, I hear noise from below in our hideout. I pound on the floor a few times...and Chief Tyrol peeks out of a drain in the street. I tell him they better shut the hell up and maybe someone will live. (I'm officially a complete losergeek for that last, and I'm okay with that).
There was some stuff with dragons and fire, but I'm not sure how it fits.
As the aliens are packing up my stuff, I ask them how much of it I will ever see again. They say take a good look now, because never. I talk with them about how horrible it will be to be the only human left. One girl says its no big deal, asks another where she's from and says "Never heard of it." She says to me "See, you won't stick out, nobody notices" Of course they all look human and I realize they all are from planets that were destroyed by the evil aliens and took the same opportunity I did.
As we fly away, there's weirdness with liquor accidentally falling out of the cargo hold, so its in orbit. And then something vague that I'm sure is from last week's episode of Atlantis.
So they leave me in the cargo hold with all the Earth stuff they collected. There's a tv, and I begin flipping through channels that I guess they are piping through to me. I watch how shallow US television dealt with the situation as it unraveled. The signal gives out/is cut before I can see things get really bad. I demand to see the actual destruction, but it looks like a bad movie clip of exploding Earth. I insist that its fake. I hold out hope that the planet wasn't totally destroyed, that some may have survived.
_________________________________________
I'm repairing some light/vent thing, with someone supposed to be helping me. She insists that I have to hold this thing for an hour or else it will break. I'm stuck there holding it while she wanders off. This pisses me off much. Next part is vague.
Then I'm in some sort of meeting place with hunters and other people. I can't remember the purpose but there was one. I'm sitting on a wood floor across from my Mom when some newcomers arrive and pick up a deck of cards. Mom gets pissed, takes the cards, and says they have to earn the right to use them. She invites me to play a game of rummy, but its some weird version that I don't remember playing. She says I played the game as a team with her once and we kicked ass. For some reason she says this is how people used to decide who pays the rent this month. For some reason all the players have to kiss at the beginning of each round. Something about Mom likes kissing guys with nice teeth.
My dreams are very strange, yes?
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