Hold Music

My social life is pathetic. My sleep is horrid. I spend all my time knowing I should be sleeping or studying, wishing I were out having fun, and doing nothing at all.

And the weather is beautiful, damn beautiful, for this brief moment between 'seasons.' What do I do with that? Sit outside alone? Go for a walk alone?

With no word from schools, everything in my life is paused, expectant, waiting for disappointment. On hold... beepbeepbeep... beepbeepbeep...

Four Months

Wow. That is definitely a new record for not posting to my blog. Of course I only realized it because of some annoying spam comment that kept reappearing on my most recent post. That is just tragic.

I went ahead and updated my settings to enforce word verification (sorry) and comment moderation on older posts because it takes me an aggravating amount of time to figure out how to delete a posted comment.

Now I just need to make a commitment to updating this lovely space! I blame facebook, of course. Friends have mentioned that I am about to the point of updating my facebook status with "is now updating her facebook status." It is so much easier than blogging! It is also less deep, and facebook isn't really the best forum for real introspection.

Tomorrow, (TOMORROW, the procrastinator assures you all!!!) I will make a nice update post for the blog. It has been a long summer, maybe I can just copy/paste all my facebook status messages...OW! Ok fine! I was just kidding!

Mostly.

BSG Drinks

Last night, while watching Battlestar Galactica, Danika and I tried some of the BSG Drinks from BattlestarExtras. So, I have some info for those of you who like both BSG and alcohol.

Okay, the Lay Down You Burdens is good, but strong. Recommend adding more milk, and taking a lactose pill beforehand. Choca-booza-holics rejoice! Needless to say, the super-sweet, fatty, adult beverages gave me a bit of a tummy ache. I recommend not drinking like 3 of the LDYB.

Ionian Nebula is like drinking cherry chocolate cough syrup. I do not recommend it at all. Or maybe buying a higher priced cherry brandy, or subbing half the cherry brandy for regular brandy. Something, anything. Gag. Down the drain.

Then john rushed out to buy us some orange soda so we could try a Knuckle Dragger. Quite tasty, and a refreshingly light drink after all the creamy sweetness.

Be advised: we made all of these shaken or on the rocks, because we were far far too lazy to bust out the blender. All our opinions should be taken with a big rim o' salt.

In non-BSG drinking news: I acquired the ingredients to make a Sidecar. I'm going to try making one tonight, and hopefully it will be my new favorite drink. I'm tired of only ordering Long Islands and Amaretto or Whiskey Sours.

I also got a copy of some video and pictures from a very fun drinking night in December. I'll re-watch it sober sometime this weekend and maybe post it for you to laugh at me.

I'm still working on not double-spacing after a sentence. Its harder to change than you might think. It appears that either Facebook or Blogger goes back and fixes it for me; odd.

Regenerations

Who fans know that The Doctor changes. Something happens to him and he's the same, but different. As Jason said: "Looking back at my life i realized i can do the same except i don't get the whole new face thing to go with it." He wanted to know if anyone else felt like their lives go in regeneration stages, so here we go:

The First Me:
I would say that my first incarnation was this terrified, timid, lonely kid. I'm naturally pretty quiet, and moving schools every 6 months and being teased kept me completely within my shell. There were several years where I can say I had no friends, zero, none. I was once assigned a friend...which still makes me not really trust that people want to spend time with me. This began to change towards the end of middle school, when I put my foot down about the changing schools thing.

The Second Me:
I guess that's the beginning of the second version of me, the first regeneration. I began speaking up for myself, speaking opinions and knowing that others would not agree. I was still painfully shy in many ways though, and most people from back then would be surprised to know that it was an improvement. Having a consistent set of sincere friends, joining a few groups/programs, and getting back into band all helped me become more comfortable with people. My family was still pretty nomadic, but within the same couple of counties, and I insisted on being driven to MY school. I think this version of me, the one that continuously improved, lasted through me joining the military and my first year in Okinawa. I tried to keep it going through the first year of my marriage, but, well we know how that goes.

The Third Me:
Lets say this regeneration started as I lost a lot of ground when I met Michael. He was such a social type that I expected spending time with him would make me more social. Instead, I was partitioned off from his social life, unless it was some event "We" were invited to by mutual co-workers. My social awkwardness embarrassed him, and the loneliness of being married was far far worse than the loneliness that drove me to get married. I still completed my associate's degree during this time, and developed a few work friends. We aren't going into the ultimate downfall of the marriage, but lets just say trust is an issue again. I don't know that I can trust myself anymore to know that someone is bad for me. I don't trust my own decision-making.

The Third Me(current incarnation):
Hoo-boy! This one is more interesting than the previous, and it took longer to come about. First I left the military, started a physics degree, and finally the divorce finished the regeneration. I'm still getting used to the new me. She buys clothes, the kind with colors other than grey and black! She can do more with her hair than just messy ponytails! She can even wear makeup! (no shit, I've learned to wear makeup) She flies to see a hot friend at the drop of a hat. But this is just surface change, a reflection of the internal changes I've brought about. I'm still not ready to articulate those changes, its too soon. I may not even be able to recognize them until the next regeneration...

But for sure, one of those changes involves not double-spacing at the end of sentences. Apparently it is soo last decade. Who knew?!?!!

Oh hi, This is a blog!

A request was put in about a week ago, for a blog post about my winter vacation. Seems I ought to get around to that, eh? First, an excuse: I'm suffering mightily from a sinus infection because someone likes to bathe in cologne. Feel free to send me comforting words and a cup of your best homemade soup. Please act as though I am suffering from some incurable malady more terrible than anything anyone has ever experienced. It'll make me feel better. A little. Ahem. hack cough wheeze die recover

I spent Xmas with The Whitehill's. The turkey was baked golden brown and then brutally devoured, as is right and just. I got a giant book of bird pictures. This book shall be used as a coffee table one day.

I had not planned to travel at all this vacation, but shit happens. Sometimes good shit happens, and I get to fly to Orlando and spend a spectacular New Years with Troy. You can see the pictures I posted already. There was more preparation shopping than I'd like to admit to. Scary shoes and eye catching dresses were purchased. Besides a couple very nice nights out, and a trip to the Kennedy Space Center, we mostly watched alot of television. There was the Nathan Fillion mini-marathon that became a short lived Kaytee Sackhoff mini-marathon. She was fun and purple-haired in White Noise 2 and we watched about 20 minutes of some terrible...horrible...well it was boring and then Troy got to see side-boob and then it was boring again. We watched alot of Star Trek, of course. I sat in on a meeting of the local SF club.

Well we did other stuff, but you would be bored with the details, I'm sure. Suffice to say, I had a really really great fun relaxing geeky time.

And then I came back to TXass on a plane, sitting behind a small bouncy child who threw her wet whipe at me. So I threw it back, and her daddy can just stick his damn eyes back in his head because I'm not sorry. That's just nasty.

So I've been sick, but I've still managed to visit the gym at the YMCA every day since I got back, and ran around getting tuition and books paid for, and helped Janae shop for some nice new work clothes, and read some more. Janae, Juan, and I watched a very strange movie about pot and ate fajitas and played Speed Scrabble last night.

All in all, I had a delightfully unproductive break.

Photos

Hey all my interweb friends, I am relaxing in sunny Orlando. Here is some photographic proof from Kennedy Space Center and The Vine. Click over to flickr for more photos.

Time on my hands...

Oh the wondrous things I can do with seemingly endless time on my hands. Yesterday, the weather was AMAZING! so I rode to the Hastings just before sunset (the store is actually on Sunset...but...whatever). The ride was beautiful, but I realized about two blocks away that all I ate that day was a PB&J at lunch. Everyone and their brother was taking the chance to BBQ in 80 degree weather. I nearly died of Burger Envy, so back at home I mixed up a prize-deserving Turkey Burger and settled down for a good beer and cookie movie night.

Today I did not venture out. The weather is sub-freezing, and I am wearing two layers of socks. Luckily, I was prepared for this unexpected shift. With comfort food. After an excellent (as always) episode of Big Bang Theory, I settled in with a bowl of turkey/spinach/tomato stew, a giant hunk of toasted french bread, and another beer. *totally ladylike burp*

The week ahead is busy (what? its Monday, you say? I call bullshit), with blood donation, my final Gardasil shot (one less one less), and hopefully my name change on Friday. First, I must waste tomorrow sorting through my totally disorganized stack of useless and/or very important papers. Ugh. More beer please!

Hey! You know what would be fun and time-wasting?!?!? A survey!

Why are you single?
Until now, I've been way too busy with school. Now, of course, I have a little extra time on my hands...

If a stranger looked in your closet, what would they think?
Heh, my friends aren't allowed to see the unorganized parts of my house. You think I'd let a stranger see that?

What's bothering you right now?
Not too damn much, I'm a happy camper.

Do people underestimate you?
On occasion, probably.

Did you sing at all today?
*ponders....* no I don't think so

Do you miss anyone?
Yes I miss all my friends!

Do you wear a lot of black?
I look damn good in black.

Do you have a tan?
I do not tan. I burn, cry, peel, and return to pale. Unless tanning would be inconvenient, like when I'm wearing a t-shirt. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that's nice.

Can you sleep with no blankets covering you??
Nope, I need to at least be covered in a sheet, to feel surrounded, or I can't sleep.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I need more than 4.

Did you wake up happy today?
yup

Whats the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
Called my lil brother and wished him a happy burfday! Happy Burfday Matty Tom!!!!! (he hates that, I'm eevil big sis)

How old do you look?
I have no clue. I know I tend to act older than people my age, but I don't know about looks.

Whats the last thing you ate?
turkey spinach tomato stew and crusty french bread

Are you waiting for something?
Waiting for the World to Change

What were you doing at ten last night?
I think I was still watching a movie with Troy.

Did you cry today?
Nope

Last song you listened to?
All Along the Watchtower (BSG remix)

Do you hate the last person you had a conversation with?
Well no, it was widdle Matty Tom, my widdle brother!

Did you have a dream last night?
I tend to not remember my dreams very often.

Who do you go to when you need someone to talk to?
It depends on the subject; my friends are good listeners.

What language do you want to learn?
Korean is a fun, fairly easy language, and I wish I could remember some of what I learned back in high school. Russian would be nice to learn. I'm horrible with languages though :(

Any upcoming vacations?
I might visit FL for my birthday.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
afraid? no. disbelieving? yes.

How many windows are open on your computer?
Who uses multiple windows anymore? I have five tabs open in Firefox.

What are you doing after this?
I might get another ladle of soup, curl up with a book.

Where did get the shirt you are wearing?
Wow, this sweater I so old that I don't remember. I've had it since high school.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Not really, I don't hold phone conversations very well. IM me, okay?

Do you like to cuddle?
Why yes i do indeed.

When was the last time you saw number 3 on your top friends?
My #3 is Brandy, who I have not seen since Bridge Summer: 2001
Oh hey I lie! I saw Brandy last summer, when the UB folks got together in Krug Park. I'm a dork.

How tall are you?
5'2.5376 exactly

Which one of your cousins is closest in age?
We come in pairs, so my semi-twin cousin is Benjamin.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Well i just found out my final grade in Instruments. I guess I deserved that B, but I'm still disappointed.

Do you like hugs?
I do, but I come from a family of not big huggers, so its awkward for me when people just HUG! HI HOW ARE YOU!?!?!? For example: everyone in Janae's family hugged me the first time we met, and it was weird, but nice, but weird.

Are you a loud person?
Only when I'm making an ass out of myself, I'm sure.

What color is your tooth brush?
It is probably blue, I bought a new one the other day.
(green, Sarah, really? You might want to replace that!)

Does it matter to you if your bf/gf smokes cigs?
It does! I will absolutely never kiss a man who has tobacco on his breath. The very thought makes me gag.

Thankfuls

Isn't this just wonderful? I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow at 8am, and I forgot to get the draft off the school computer. I am a moron. There are two tests tomorrow, one of which I am completely unprepared for. Completely.

Is it the last week of November already? Time to step back? Time to take stock of the things I am thankful for? Time to work off the 3 cups of coffee I've had tonight so I can wake up at 5am to type a paper? Yes.

A year ago I took a step in the right direction. It was painful, and frightening, and I failed. A year ago this week, I gave in to the fear and returned to a bad marriage. So I am thankful that this year I found the strength to do what was ultimately best for me. I knew it would pay off in the long term, but what I did not realize at the time was how good it was for me in the short term. Money might not be the root of all evil, but it is the fear of not having it that ties us to things and people who do us no good.

My first Thankful leads to my second. I allowed myself to be fooled into believing that permanent unity with one person would make me happy. Instead, I was shoved into a lonely little corner. Today, I am thankful for my friends: old and new, near and far. You keep me connected to the world. You keep me laughing. You don't keep me sane (I don't expect the impossible), but its hard to tell when I'm surrounded by such a wacky bunch of people.

Finally, as much as this semester has stressed me out, burnt me out, and turned me inside-out, I value the privilege which allows me to pursue higher education. I am thankful that I have the ability and the means to study physics. I have to keep reminding myself, in the thick of homework and papers and marathon study weekends blurring together, that I am doing this because I want to. I am living a long-held dream come true.

Which, occasionally, twists into a rather inconvenient nightmare....

Knitted to Death!

These are ADORABLE and HILARIOUS knitted critters made by Patricia Waller.



Check out the whole gallery. Yes, I could have put up comments on everyone's myspace, but that's just not my style, and it would have taken longer. Just love me for who I am, m'kay?

Caution: Some of them are not exactly safe for certain innocent minds, especially that last one, ehehehehehe!

For Lydia: Crossing Wonderland (Frog Prince) <---Totally safe
For Becky: Crossing Wonderland (Unicorn)
For Amanda: How to Kill Your First Love (Duck)
For Troy: Rabbits [all three of those crack me up!]
For Traci: Domestic Help<--Totally safe

This one's for ME! Aliens (Space Couple)

And, psstt....

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")_(")
PASS THE BUNNY ON!!!!
Bunnies RULE THE EARTH!!!!

Flute Hero

A: Insane is right, this looks hard! Of course, I was never very good anyway.

B: Um....I think she's playing more than one note at a time, on the flute. Keep in mind, I wasn't very good, but I don't think that's possible. Or, I look like a dumbass right now.

C: If we had Flute Hero in the US, I would totally have a Band Geek Reunion Party. Totally. I would walk back to Missouri, just for that.

I are not some smarts.

This cell phone thing defeats me. Again.

I have quite a few numbers set to speed dial that I don't use anymore, and I was going through them to reassign speed dial numbers.

That is all. There was to be no deleting whatsoever.

Apparently I misunderstood. When I changed the speed dial number, it would say "hey, there's one there already, replace?" So I'm all, "Yes, replace!" And its all "OK! I won't mention that it deletes the phonebook entry that had that number and replaced it with the other one!"

Yay! Frak.

So, if I haven't called you lately (say, if it is your birthday today, but not if your number is one different than mine and I'm divorcing you) it is because my phone doesn't know you anymore.

Artsy

The other day I commented on a friend's blog and it helped her more than I realized it could. *Hugs*

Although I bet her painting is much better and artistic than mine, I will share this one that I finally made using my tablet PC's painting program. Of course its of my little birdy, because I have pretty much nothing else interesting to do or see these days.

Click for larger view (I think)


Anyways, I'm going to go back to transcribing old math notes, or at least pretend to.

4 days left in MO

I woke up this morning with a call from my brother's parole officer, saying I needed to come pick him up and bring him back to the parole office. I was confused. So she said I needed to pick him up from the parole office, take him to pack his stuff, and bring him back because he had done too much stuff since he's been on parole. I really thought they meant I had to drop him off at prison. I was freaked out. How on Earth did they expect me to keep him from running off? Don't they have cops or something for this stuff. I was still confused. I picked him up at the McDonald's, because I wasn't sure where the parole office was so he met me there. I was even more confused that they were letting him wander around, and I was a little worried that he had run off already. Turns out they are having him live at the parole house, not prison but he can only leave for 4 hours a day, to find work. It has been a stressful morning. Mom is understandably upset. At this point I'm not exactly tired, just weary and over-aware of why I haven't been home in 2 1/2 years. I love my family, but dealing with how they live their lives is tough. Its tough to know that throwing them every dollar I have will not solve their problems.

And now I've just read a glob from my husband saying he's going to go to Catholic Mass to get inspiration for a story he wants to write. I do NOT have it in me to deal with that, for crying out loud. *giant sigh*

Ok, lets get a bit more upbeat. Yesterday I played mini-golf at Cool Crest with Traci, her kids, Tammy and her man-thing. It was pretty fun. The course looks so much nicer than the last time I played there, of course that's probably been 5 years ago. I took a few pictures, which I'll post when I get home, promise. Then I had dinner at Cheddars with Lydia, Traci, Sarah and her muchkin, Tammy and her man-thing. I have missed Lydia and Sarah sooo much, and it was great to see them again. *big hugs* Then I went out with Traci, Tammy, Brynn, and Amanda, for a couple drinks. We had a good time together, although somehow we stayed on some depressing topics.

Is today Wednesday? I think so. Becky invited me to dinner at her house. Sounds good to me. Tomorrow should be Long Island Night, and Friday we're trying the Japanese steak/sushi place. MMMmm my favorite. Pirates3 on Saturday, leaving Sunday Afternoon. Oh! I need to order books. Can't go to class Tuesday without books. *Argh*

Final-ly

I feel like I turned my head to the side and let my brains flow out onto the paper.

I'll be leaving for Traci's on Monday and Michael's leaving for TN on Sunday. We dropped off my car at Tom's Tire World for a checkup. I have no desire at all to be stranded on the side of the road with two small-uns. Hopefully the weather will be calm on the way up.

To Do Before Departing:
Print directions, clean out car.
Order books for the summer term and have them delivered by mail.
Buy new notebooks, pencils, etc.
Tell the office we'll both be gone for 2 weeks, possibly pay June's rent early.
Make sure the Cable bill is paid. It's the only one that isn't automatic. Or is it?
Clean the house. I won't have time when I get back.
Pack as little as possible, due to pending shopping spree!

To Do While Home:
New Hairdoooo!
Wardrobe Therapy
Party, have fun, etc. with family and friends
See Shrek3, Pirates3, 28 Weeks Later (maybe)

To Do back in Texass:
I actually had something to put here, but now I've forgotten...

Anal-ytics

When I put up the new site, I also started using Google Analytics. Hey, if I am going to talk to myself, I would at least like to be aware of the fact nobody is listening. It was making me sad though, that nobody even checked me out, followed the links I put for you. Ungrateful little bastiges. And I cried a little e-tear, until I realized I've seen Hubby check it at least twice in the last few days, and I've checked it too obviously there's no filter set at all so I should have seen about 4 hits a day. But no. So I checked out with GA, and it says it's getting data, bla bla bla [this long post is me avoiding studying, can't you tell?] bla... but I decided not to believe it and checked the code on blogger, and there's nothing, so I put it back. Wonder how that happened?

Anywhoo...its getting awful lonely without you folks talking to me, and I need your e-love to get me through the day...*shiny puppy-eyes*

More Bad Weather

My family tells me there is flooding in MO and KS today. Rosendale is under 22 feet of the 102 River. Typical. The NOAA and Weather.com are reporting more heavy rain, thunderstorms, possibility of tornadoes on the way. I hope everyone at home rides out the bad weather safely.

Flash Flood Watch
Flood Warning
Hazardous Weather Outlook
Tornado Watch

RSVP

Not to be all self-centered, but I haven't been home in over 2 years. So I really want to spend time with my friends and family. Traci and I are driving up on the 15th or 16th of May, and starting our return to dreaded Texas on the 28th.

If you want to hang out, but your work schedule will be tight, let me know what days you're free. Manders has offered me her spare bed to crash, so I'll be in St. Joe mostly after all that exhausting shopping and partying. *Big Thanks!*

I'm trying to plan a get-together with all the Upward Bound buddies sometime. Let me know if you're interested.

Originally Posted: 25 March 2007.
**Update: Sarah sent me some more images from the zoo, and I also added a few from Putt-Put Golf that week. Chow!

I took several videos as well, but they somehow disappeared during copy from my camera. Oh well, they weren't that great. I completely missed the moment that duck scared the crap outta Sarah, or the jaguars playing, or the monkey sliding down his straps. The one video I really wish didn't disappear was the jaguars, they walked right up to the glass and played and huffed and yawned and I got it all. Oh well.

They had hyenas, lions, black bears, and other typical zoo animals that I didn't take pictures of. I tried not to take pictures of just animals, but with one of us in the frame. Interactions and reactions are the best (especially Sarah's, haha) and I can get a picture of just a lion anywhere. Anyway, enjoy the slideshow.

New Old Friend!!!

This is what I love about myspace. I've lost touch with quite a few great friends from HS. I'm bad about writing (and mailing) actual letters, and I hate how I sound on the phone (like an idiot). So I am really happy just now because my friend Becky found me!

NEW OLD FRIEND, YAY!

In any case, it is way past my bedtime. I have to be in a pass & review tomorrow morning and I'm not looking forward to it. I have the wrong hat, because who keeps a flight cap when you have a busdriver hat that doesn't fall off? I have the 'wrong' shirt, because who bothers tucking when you have princess cut, and who the heck cares what's under the jacket anyways? I spent a bunch of cash on 2 whole new ribbon racks today, and cut my finger on a ribbon. What a waste. Who would've thought I needed any of those items anymore? Tomorrow was supposed to be my last work day, but paperwork is holding me back. Yesterday was not a good day, when I found that out.

Why so much?

Its amazing how you can go from a normal day making s'mores, to knowing that someone has died. A close friend of my husband has died. He's upset.

Lately, the world seems like nothing but death. Its been a bad month for former Presidents, the famous and the infamous. Several co-workers' relatives have passed (there was even a murder?!?!?). I was even late to PT this afternoon because I had to follow a funeral procession all the way from the church across the street to the gate.

Why so much?