Regenerations

Who fans know that The Doctor changes. Something happens to him and he's the same, but different. As Jason said: "Looking back at my life i realized i can do the same except i don't get the whole new face thing to go with it." He wanted to know if anyone else felt like their lives go in regeneration stages, so here we go:

The First Me:
I would say that my first incarnation was this terrified, timid, lonely kid. I'm naturally pretty quiet, and moving schools every 6 months and being teased kept me completely within my shell. There were several years where I can say I had no friends, zero, none. I was once assigned a friend...which still makes me not really trust that people want to spend time with me. This began to change towards the end of middle school, when I put my foot down about the changing schools thing.

The Second Me:
I guess that's the beginning of the second version of me, the first regeneration. I began speaking up for myself, speaking opinions and knowing that others would not agree. I was still painfully shy in many ways though, and most people from back then would be surprised to know that it was an improvement. Having a consistent set of sincere friends, joining a few groups/programs, and getting back into band all helped me become more comfortable with people. My family was still pretty nomadic, but within the same couple of counties, and I insisted on being driven to MY school. I think this version of me, the one that continuously improved, lasted through me joining the military and my first year in Okinawa. I tried to keep it going through the first year of my marriage, but, well we know how that goes.

The Third Me:
Lets say this regeneration started as I lost a lot of ground when I met Michael. He was such a social type that I expected spending time with him would make me more social. Instead, I was partitioned off from his social life, unless it was some event "We" were invited to by mutual co-workers. My social awkwardness embarrassed him, and the loneliness of being married was far far worse than the loneliness that drove me to get married. I still completed my associate's degree during this time, and developed a few work friends. We aren't going into the ultimate downfall of the marriage, but lets just say trust is an issue again. I don't know that I can trust myself anymore to know that someone is bad for me. I don't trust my own decision-making.

The Third Me(current incarnation):
Hoo-boy! This one is more interesting than the previous, and it took longer to come about. First I left the military, started a physics degree, and finally the divorce finished the regeneration. I'm still getting used to the new me. She buys clothes, the kind with colors other than grey and black! She can do more with her hair than just messy ponytails! She can even wear makeup! (no shit, I've learned to wear makeup) She flies to see a hot friend at the drop of a hat. But this is just surface change, a reflection of the internal changes I've brought about. I'm still not ready to articulate those changes, its too soon. I may not even be able to recognize them until the next regeneration...

But for sure, one of those changes involves not double-spacing at the end of sentences. Apparently it is soo last decade. Who knew?!?!!

Pardon me, while I whine.

I had a test yesterday, so I was up studying, but not too late.

I woke up sore and tired, and was really sore after riding my bike to school. Between classes, I bought coffee...oops, where's my debit card? Oh well, I have change... After the test, I started feeling faint and feverish while standing and doing a lab. When I rode home, I was completely zoned out and cranky. One glass of wine later, I was bundled up in bed, and my muscles finally relaxed enough so I could sleep for a few hours and sweat it out. That's my usual routine when I'm feverish.

I woke up because I got a call from an old coworker friend who asked if I had lost my ID's. What? Fuck! Some nice person turned them in to the police, and they called the base which oddly still had my old work number on file. I'm lucky they got ahold of someone who knew my cell, because I would not have even known my stack of cards were missing. They fell out of my back pocket while I was riding to school that morning. The 3 ID's were found, but they are stuck in the police evidence locker until Monday. The debit card is still missing.

My bank account didn't have any new transactions on it, and I was going to drive my route and see if the card fell out at a different place from the others. First, I thought I'd do the responsible thing and call my bank, to double check that there were no new transactions, that the "nice" person who turned in my ID's wasn't out giving his buddies free gas on my dime. Before I could get a word in edgewise, my card was canceled (NOTE TO BANK GUY: LAY OFF THE CAFFEINE AND BREATHE A MINUTE!!!)!

Now I have no way to access my monies, until I can get my cards out of jail. *pouts*

I was going to bake this weekend: Pumpkin Cheesecake, Chocolate Chunk Cappuccino Almond Cookies, and Macadamia and White Chocolate Cookies. *pouts*

Ok, I'm done pouting. I guess I can use the time this weekend to clean my house without re-dirtying it the same day, and studying for my Modern test.

The Name Thing (Again)

I'm still unsure about what to name myself after the divorce. I never really wanted to change to Jones. Its a dumb name, a dumb tradition, and yet another reason I should have known getting married was dumb.

Of course, my birth name might be what I'm stuck with, since I already file the papers. I might try to change it at the final hearing, though. People, I don't know who Niel is, but I'm certainly not his son. The only people I shared this name with, after age 3, was my uncle and some cousins. Not my brothers, or my grandmother, or either of my parents. Lets just say I'm not attached. I still feel bad for my brothers, though, going through life with the name of a bodily function. Ew.

This brings us to made-up, Science Fiction, strong words, and nature names. I would like something short and simple that doesn't end in the letter or sound "A". I'm thinking 3-5 letters and one or two syllables. I don't have any ties to religions or interesting cultures, so nothing that would strongly signify that. I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to pretend that I'm some nationality or heritage that I'm not, because that seems rude.

The best SF name suggestion yet has been Dax. But really, am I that much of a geek? Maybe.

Other options include: Kes, Delenn, Kosh (hahaha), Thrace (Ok, I am not that hard-core geek)

Sadly, with Doctor Who, my options are: Smith, Jones, and maybe for fun: Who.
Do you know any awesome and not goofy matrinomic or nature names out there that fit my loose criteria?

Fear

This is a personality test I just took, not a horoscope or a quizfarm thing. I don't know how "right" they are, but some of the questions turned in my gut a little, and I surprised myself with a few answers.

Enneagram Type 6 - Loyalist

Conflicted between trust and distrust

People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. [...]What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong. This tendency makes Sixes gifted at trouble shooting, but also robs the Six of much needed peace of mind and tends to deprive the personality of spontaneity. The essential anxiety at the core of the type Six fixation tends to permeate the personality with a sort of "defensive suspiciousness." Sixes don't trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two edged sword however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job or cause even long after it is time to move on.

[...]

The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. [...] Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.

Failure

Things are not going as well as I want to pretend. I quit a secure paying job, albeit in a field I was tired of, to go to school and learn something more interesting. To immerse myself in a scientific education, to live a very long-stifled dream. To one day get a job that might make me happy. To be painfully honest, to do something I will never be any damn good at. Period. Right now, I'm trying very very hard to keep myself from screaming and throwing nice things through glass windows. It hurts my throat to not scream.

Dammit!

I don't like sitting at this desk.

The mirror. Right there. My face staring back at me. Accusing. Bored. Distant.

I am completely unable to focus.

Is it poetry?

Late-night survey

My Personality

Neuroticism	85
Extraversion	1
Openness To Experience	49
Agreeableness	31
Conscientiousness	21

You are introverted, reserved, and quiet with a preference for solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising and you have less concern with others' needs than with your own. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized. You feel tense, jittery, and nervous and often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. You may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. You don't usually get angry too easily but some things can annoy you. You tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find yourself tempted to overindulge. You experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a moderately paced life. You like some energetic activities, but also like to relax and take it easy. You get overwhelmed by too much noise and commotion and do not like thrill-seeking activities. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits. Often you do not feel effective, and may have a sense that you are not in control of your life. In general you tend to be disorganized and scattered. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing. You are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. You have a reasonable amount of will-power and are able to follow through on tasks that you feel you need to complete. You can be distracted however and have been known to procrastinate. You often say or do the first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives.

Test Yourself Compare Yourself

Another Workout Video I Hate

This is me feeling sorry for myself, and slightly pissed at myself, and generally worthless.

Ugh, workout videos.

I watched this one before trying it, and it seemed soooo easy. I have no coordination. I quit at the nine-minute mark in the video, but I think I got the full 15 minute workout. I replayed the warm up twice, the second section once, and then I started all over again because I was still tripping over myself. I finally gave up when I could barely restrain myself from screaming at the top of my lungs. It seemed so much easier than the other one yesterday, but its not. Maybe it was that since I had watched this one and knew what was coming up, I felt like I should at least be able to do it without falling over.

This is why I don't play sports. I am uncoordinated, and I hate feeling like a piece of turd even in the privacy of my own room. I recall throwing a hockey stick across the gym in the 4th grade. Klutzes with low self-esteem should not be made to play sports. Ever. If you want your face to still look like that afterwards.
 

Ugh, sports people.

I'm going to sit my fat self on the couch and eat a piece of cheesecake.

Currently watching : Dance Off the Inches - 15 Minute Express Release date: By 23 August, 2005

So yeah that sucked...

I'm trying to stay in shape...or get in shape...

I have my problem areas, thick arms, big belly, thick thighs...ok I basically am a problem area.

So I bought a couple workout videos, and did one for arms today. Why? Because I want some ageless bimbo with no fat on her body to tell me 'you can do it'. Because I want to pout and wine for the entire thing because she refers to her arms as 'front' and 'rear' instead of RIGHT AND LEFT YOU FUCKING WHORE!

Deep breath now...and streach......bring it down now...good job.

My arms hurt.

Currently watching : Sexy Arms with Leisa Hart Release date: By 27 September, 2005

Where I got myspace display name

Originally Posted 3/21/05

Shrine of the Forgotten Goddesses
"Magna Mater
The Great Mother

In almost every ancient mythology,
there is a female Mothergoddess at the beginning of time
who either is the earth or bears the planet and beings out of herself.
In the stoneage she was the only known and worshipped Goddess
who represented life itself and the whole earth as a holy being.
Fertility was known as a female power. "

http://inanna.virtualave.net/menu.html