Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Finely Crafted Space Vessel

Some insight into the world of the nerd. Actually, I was just posting this email string for my own entertainment, but feel free to enjoy it. I was taking Pre-Calculus and suffering massive headaches, fevers, and muscle pain at the time. Also, I couldn't move my neck.

Me: I always look to Dooce for my daily dose of pick-me-up, and I was feeling a bit down just now ( with the -two/(sqrt 30) being not equal to -(sqrt 3)/3 )…*grrrr*

Enjoy this for just a moment...

James: Awww Its ok. Things will get better I promise. Anyway I have no idea what kind of rocket science equations your putting in your e-mails, but Ill read the article when I get home tonight.

Me: Rocket Science, yeah...sure. You keep thinking that. I got myself turned around and the answer I got wasn't the one in the book. I figured it out though.

James: Good for you, if you didn't it would have kept me up all night thinking about the answer, was the answer JELLO, cause that's what I got.

Me: Paperclip

James: 42

What was the question again?

Dan: Apparently the question had something to do with a rocket built out of paper clips and jello. -_-

Me: A rocket made out of 42 paperclips, runs on jello, smells like skunk. That's it guy's, we're ready to make history!

James: Does the Jello need to be magnetized?
Dan: It needs treated with inverse Tachyon pulse emissions.

James: Where the hell are we going to find the crystal to run that kind of power? We should equip it with Airbags too cause this doesn't sound too safe.

Dan: Airbags, Lawl. Learn2seatbelt in my opinion.

Me: Keep your inverse pulses to your own quarters.
No airbags, we use Inertial Dampeners. Of course, with the slightest technical problem they will go offline and we will be thrown across the ship. It's called 'fun.' Seatbelts are also unnecessary, you wimps.

James: Can I at least get cyanide tablet?

Dan: I want some Alka-Seltzer tablets in case I come under attack, so I can pretend to froth at the mouth.

Me: You'd rather die by poison than by rapid decompression? You don't belong in my new spaceship. (The meek shall inherit the Earth, the rest of us are going to the stars in jello-powered rockets.)
Frothing at the mouth is only allowed post-mealtime, when alien bacteria have invaded your lunchmeat. It's more 'fun' when its real.

James: I thought the hull would be made out of Jello I didn't think you were using it as a alternative fuel source. I think we should use bubble gum instead. We should use bean bag chairs for seats and nerf guns as forward torpedoes.

Me: NOooo...we should seal the ship with bubble gum! Have you ever seen used bubble gum? That stuff is solid.

James: I think it depends on what kind of bubble gum we use or maybe we can mix bubble gum and silly putty to make a super material. O.o and we should use plastic bags for helmets.

Me: You'll be the first one to test the new helmet design, very smart. ;) Maybe we can take the super putty gum material and lay it over a lattice of paperclips. Make the whole ship out of it.
Is there some real work I'm supposed to be doing?

James: The new helmet design is flawed, but I will test out the ceramic wrap jump suit. I wonder if we can get it to run on fecal matter?
And to your 2nd question..prob not.

Dan: Real work? Crazy talk like that from our chief engineer and warp core specialist is cause for a little worry. Especially in a ship with no seatlbelts or airbags. The only possible solution to the numerous safety concerns this craft is raising is to install a Radio Frequency Jammer, and a IFF (friend/foe) detector to be prepared for any threat that may arise.

Me: You're talkin' like you ain't talkin' to the Captain of this finely crafted space vessel....
Daniel is now in charge of chewing all the gum for the composite hull. You have one week.
James is responsible for manning the Turbulent Path Sensor (TPS) array. I require hourly reports.
Michael is the Captain's Wench...he shall retrieve me a bottle of the moonshine I've been brewing in the warp coil.

James: The sensor array became over stimulated in recent tests and began emitting a white ooze, we are unsure of the effect this will have on the project. We have taken a sample and sent it to the lab for DNA testing, but it will take a week to get the results. As of right now all future tests have been put on hold and there is no ETA for when testing will resume. Needless to say my engineers are baffled by this recent development and need time to figure out the cause.

Me: James isn't allowed to work night shift anymore. Didn't I tell you to keep your 'inverse pulse experiments' to your private time? Watch that console for signs of...I bet that's how the Borg got started.

James: Ok well someone is going to have to pickup the slack, OO and I decided to decorate the inside of the spaceship with the magazines I had before the random emissions.

Me: I think you've been 'picking up the slack' enough for everyone.

James: OO I have been picking up something, but this spaceship will not build itself you know.

Me: Does anyone know where the Advil is? Who's in charge of stocking medical supplies? ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............................

James: Captain whats the status of this? far I have been fired/denied any requests I have made..let's get this ball rolling shall we. Dan is completely inept and is now eating his part of the project.

Me: Ooooo...NOT GOOD Danny Boy! You're never pooping again
James, none of your lip, mister. You're fired. Also, you're in charge of the medical supplies.
Everything else is being contracted out to Alien Hippo Corp.

You fired me and gave me access to the medical supplies, which I just put on EBAY.

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