Monday, January 15, 2007

Dear Paul Bunyan: You have got to be kidding me.

... Thunk...


First, it is 1:30 in the morning, why in the world would you be trying to chop wood at this hour?

Second, you can buy bundles of chopped firewood at any convenience store in town. There is a Town and Country store on every streetcorner.

Third, you are a weakling fucktard and I hope you do not breed. Not because you are a weakling, but because you are trying to chop a large log in the middle of the street. Not even the parking lot, but the street.

Fourth, did I mention you are a fucktard? Because you are, and you cannot even get the axe into the wood. Oh, there you go, you got it a whole inch into the wood. And now you can't get it out. Fucktard.

I'm not going to keep counting. Mainly because I'm not quite sure if I remember how to spell fifth and there was no reason to count anyway, but also because you are a fucktard. Die now, or at least do something useful and remove your gonads with that axe.
I mean, I know I can't chop wood, but if I wanted a fire I would be smart enough to go buy wood and not pick up a random piece of frozen solid log from the treeline along the highway. You know that's what you did. Don't lie.

As I watched them give up and return to their apartment building, all I could think was that I'm glad they don't live in my building and that there's a fire hydrant right outside my window.

Winter has closed her grip. Sleep tight, my friends.


  1. Was he mexican? that sounds like something one of my people would do. I'd be willing to bet though that a female goaded him into doing that... "Juan get some wood for the fireplace, it's so romantic." etc etc

    I never did understand why fireplaces in apartments are so common. It's a waste of space and dangerous.

    As far as his breeding patterns go, it's a sad truth that the stupid tend to breed indiscriminantly. Chances are he's already spread his seed. I've mentioned elsewhere that it's ironic that you need a permit to drive a car, fly a plane, own a firearm but you are free to breed as often as you wish. The womb is the one true weapon of mass destruction... Disagree? there are a few thousand years worth of recorded history to back that one up.

    Humans are all backwards, we nurture the weak and give them equal chance to make more of the weak. In nature the weak are generally weeded out. Can't run fast enough? Eaten. Don't hide properly? Eaten. Zig when you should Zag? You guessed it... EATEN. The species gets stronger, unless it's completely consumed. Then we aren't really missing much anyway are we? Enter man and his abstract notions of fairness and equality... and the world goes to hell.

    Ah the joys of living in an apartment. I swear I'm not moving back into an apartment unless it is absolutley neccessary (knock on wood) for those very reasons. I've found that no matter how much you pay in rent, there will always be some bit of trash nearby that will make your stay at the apartment unpleasant. If they aren't there when you move in your nice quiet respectful neighbors will soon move out (to escape the trash next to them) and the "family" of "young adults" will move in and make your life hell. I've found through experience that it is best to ask up front at the leasing office if they host section 8 housing... Interpret that however you wish but bitter experience has taught me hard lessons while residing in apartments close to section 8 units... noisy packs of children, unruly thugs, hostage situations, vandalism, etc.

    Am I saying all section 8 residents are bad? Of course not... once bitten twice shy and all that stuff.

    Moving on...

    I like fucktard too... Fuckbag is also very nice, I got it from the movie Butterfly Effect.

    Next time he's out there at 1 in the morning chopping wood, call the cops, tell them some drunk guy is outside waving an axe around. Even if they don't do anything to him he'll likely get the message... and there's always the possibility the cops just light him up. Either way problem solved.


    So for christmas I got BSG season 1... i spent most of the weekend watching that, found that there were a couple episodes that I had missed that made some other things make more sense, good stuff... last night about 11 I finsihed watching all the episodes... I wanted to go out and buy season 2 heh... guess I can rewatch everything with the commentary turned on for the time being. Can't wait for season 3!

    Posted by Fred on January 15, 2007 - Monday at 11:37 AM

  2. Ha, I couldn't tell any of that from behind the tree in the dim light.

    I'm guessing Section 8 is the TX regulation for government rent assistance. I'm pretty sure the demographic for this complex is more young military and college students, and my nightime disturbers seemed like they fit that age group. I can't say I ever enjoyed living in low-income complexes as a kid, but I sure am glad I don't have to anymore. Ha, my brothers were in one of those noisy packs of unruly thug vandal children. Ahh the good old days.

    Despite my mild anger, I was far too amused to call the police. I might have missed one idiot chopping the other's foot off.

    I would've regretted that for the rest of my life.

    I suppose if it was a regular occurance I would have called. Considering their failure to split the log, I doubt it will happen again. Plus, our local authorities were busy blocking off the highway on-ramps so the other local dum-dums wouldn't get into any more accidents. News is there were 26 ice-related accidents on the loop last night.

    Posted by MaterRelic on January 15, 2007 - Monday at 3:45 PM

  3. Yes, that would be section 8 in a nutshell.

    You'd be suprised... the last place I lived was deep in the medical district. Demographic would be young medical professionals and people that work at USAA, yet there were plenty of... undesireables at this hell hole... you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany. That's where the hostage situation transpired as a matter of fact... then again I think the street I lived on and two other connected streets may have well been the "skid row" of the medical district... I say this becuase not far away was a complex that looked as though the entire thing was section 8... unseemly individuals abound and always loitering about.

    Yeah the ice is getting ready to hit here... it's already balls cold, it's looking like everything is going to be closed tomorrow and possibly wednsday as well.

    There was much rejoicing.

    Posted by Fred on January 15, 2007 - Monday at 4:37 PM

  4. I like "flaming fucknugget". It has a nice ring to it.

    Posted by Amanda on January 15, 2007 - Monday at 4:19 PM

  5. That my freind is why I live in Florida... its still in the mid 70's here, thus no need to chop fire wood in the middle of night. Its still T-shirt and shorts weather here.... so ya good luck with that cold stuff.

    Posted by Eight Cylinder Super Hero on January 16, 2007 - Tuesday at 2:01 AM